It took me 8 years before I could grieve my cat

Grief is complicated.

Everyone grieves in a different way, and each person grieves differently under various circumstances.

Smokey

My cat, Smokey, was almost 20 years old when she died. 

My son was a baby then, only five months old. 

He's eight years old now.

Smokey died at home in my dad's arms while I was out. We knew she wasn't well, and we were keeping an eye on her.

When I found out she passed, I was sad, but I don't remember crying. 

I remember the day my mom surprised me with her as a kitten when I was doing my undergrad.

She was a sweet girl, affectionate and playful. She had long gray fur.

Under normal circumstances, I would have mourned her loss quite differently. Knowing me, I would have probably put a slideshow or scrapbook together of all the memories with her and cried during that whole process. Honouring her memory along the way. 

Even as I'm writing this, I'm getting teary that it took me so long to properly grieve for her - fully cry for her, and feel that sorrow.

Trauma stacked quickly during that season of my life: the shocking end of my 13 year marriage late in pregnancy, the premature birth of my son, and an abrupt initiation into single motherhood. Not the life I envisioned. 

In the midst of all that upheaval, Smokey died.

At the time, my system prioritized survival. There was no room for mourning then. Now, years later, as my life has stabilized, the grief I deferred has surfaced in an unexpected way — asking to be acknowledged.

I was getting my taxes together. Usually a pretty mundane task. However, as I was shredding papers from 2017, I came across my son's Infant Critical Illness application. I was in such a fog at the time, I don't even remembr filling it out. Tears.

Then I came across Smokey's Dec 2017 vet bill from when she was ill, and it was not long after that she had passed. More tears. 

But these tears were different. It was a sorrowful deep wailing. It was a soulful lament. I let Smokey know I was sorry it took so long to grieve for her. I asked her forgiveness. I told her all the things I loved and missed about her. And I felt relief. 

So, grief is complicated. But it's important to let yourself feel the emotions as they come. Name them. Sit in them. Allow your body and your brain to move through it. It's ok.

Healing is a journey.

Honour what was lost. 

Smokey is gone. 

My ex and I tried to make it work for the first few years of our son's life, but it ultimately did come to an end. 

Our beloved 12 year old dog died when our son was five years old. 

My son and I just moved to Sarnia last year, so that was another loss of community, although layered with gratitude for our new home and being closer to family. 

Through it all, I'm grateful to be a mom. 

I'm grateful my son is healthy. 

I'm grateful to feel closer to God now more than ever.

And I'm grateful we had the joy of pets in our lives.

Grief comes up in unexpected ways. Like when randomly doing taxes, lol! But that's ok. Just give yourself permission to sit in it. Give yourself grace.

If you're going through any kind of loss - divorce, pet loss, death of a loved one, job loss, etc, we're here to help.

Our team of Registered Psychotherapists and Social Workers are here to support you. We also have a full 8-Week Grief Program. We would be happy to chat with you about it in a free 20-minute consult.