Winter 2012-2013

How to keep your New Year's Resolutions, Tips on Fighting Fairly and upcoming Workshops

Keeping Your 2013 Resolutions through Your Relationship

It is now January 1, 2013, and by now you have formalized or at least thought of what improvements you want to make in your life.  It could be to lose weight, especially after endulging over the holidays.  I know I had more than my fair share of chocolate and cookies this holiday season!  Or it could be to pay off your credit card, line of credit or other debt.  Whatever your resolutions are, the secret to making a meaningful life change is actually keeping the resolutions.  How many times have you had the same resolution and by mid-January or early February, it's already forgotten?  Exercise gyms are always busyiest in January, in part because of resolutions.  A friend of mine recently said that she is going to start her annual diet now, that always lasts from January 1 to January 3.  She has a great sense of humour about it, which I love.  However, if you are serious about really truly realistically keeping your resolutions, you will need a plan of attack. The plan of attack in keeping your resolution is to work in collaboration with your significant other.  There are three reasons for this: 1/ it holds you accountable for your resolutions by having someone else be aware of your goals and help to keep you on track  2/ many goals can be done together and if someone else is doing it with you then you will have more chance of success- for example with quitting smoking  3/ if you and your partner are working on a resolution together as a partnership, it will strengthen your relationship, and when you strengthen your relationship, you will feel more secure to achieve even more.  This last point is in line with my Relational Wellness Wheel, where all areas of wellness (financial, physical, vocational, etc) are interconnected with your relationship.  For example, how you feel physically will impact on the quality of your relationship.  If you are feeling sluggish and unhappy with your health and appearance, this could impact on how you treat your partner or how your partner treats you.  Likewise, the quality of your relationship will impact on how you feel physically.  So if you and your partner often engage in conflict, this could affect your health and physical well-being.  There is alot of research to show how quality of marital relationships are associated with better health. So, sit down with your partner and create personal goals that your partner will support you with and create couple goals that you can work on together.  If a personal goal of yours is to exercise twice a week, perhaps your partner can help you achieve this by watching the children those two nights that you are at the gym.  If a couple goal is to have more family time together, make a committment to each other that you will have a date night every other week and a family games night every other week.  With your partner's support, you will achieve great things, keep your resolutions and have a closer relationship by the end of the year!

Tips on Fighting Fairly

It happens to every single couple.  There will be things that you will disagree on.  It's normal and expected.  It's how you manage the conflict that matters.  Here is a quick do's and don't list for fighting fairly with your partner.  Feel free to print it out and post it on your fridge.  

The Couple Wellness Expert's Fighting Do’s	The Couple Wellness Expert's Fighting Don’ts
privately	don’t fight in front of others, especially children
agree on timing	don’t do when tired, busy, stressed
stick to the subject	don’t bring up old issues
be respectful	no name calling/ insults, no threats (of harm, divorce), no force
be honest	no judgement
keep normal tone/ volume	no yelling and screaming
be open and listen	don’t withdraw and shut down
chose your battles	don’t examine, pick on every topic
be realistic	don’t exaggerate
inject humour when appropriate	don’t be sarcastic
respect differences	don’t try to have to agree on everything
listen and try to take partner’s point of view	no blaming
take time-out or time to reflect, then resume when more calm	don’t continue on when things get too heated
forgive	don’t hold a grudge
end with grace	don’t hold onto anger

Upcoming workshops

In/Fertility group at Leaside and Hold Me Tight group at Bloor There are two upcoming workshops I will be co-facilitating.  One is an in/fertility support group and the other is a group based on Susan Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love". Details for the in/fertility group:

• will be held January 23, February 20 and March 20, 2013
• topics will be challenges, supports and choices, respectively
• one session investment fee is $20 or do all three sessions for $50
• will take place at Leaside Therapy Centre, 1395 Bayview Ave., Toronto

Details for the "Hold Me Tight" group:

• will be held in Spring 2013
• learn how you can apply Emotionally Focussed Therapy in your relationship and experience greater relationship satisfaction
• investment rate to announced
• will take place at 3962 Bloor St. W., Etobicoke

For further details, please feel free to contact me atmelissa@thecouplewellnessexpert.com or at 647-830-7473.